Deflated

I cried at work today. Don't raise your eyebrows. I know I shouldn't have done it. But can you blame me if all those emotions have been bottled up and just needs one triggering stimuli to be out? I'm not really a cry baby for crying out loud. Yes, I can easily be affected with different sorts of emotions, but to cry with lots of people around, especially with the most vulnerable patients is definitely not my forte.

Today is different though. This is the first time I shed a tear in front of my patients, take note, it's with an S and in front of my colleagues, and the first time that I've cried due to work.

For almost four years that I have been working as a nurse, not to mention the same almost four years that I have worked as a student nurse, I never complained about the patients given to me. I sometimes might doubt myself if I can handle well the cases given to me especially if it is the first time I'll be handling that case, but after a few mind setting, I will settle for it. It's because for me, the harder the case, the more learning I'll get, and the more I can test myself how effective and efficient nurse I am.

Today is no exception. It was the usual busy day at Female Surgical Ward. Since I am not their regular staff (due to floating system since the hospital renovation started), the Assistant Head Nurse oriented me a bit to the patients I'll be handling even If I had received the endorsement. She assigned six patients to me. Here in this hospital where I am working, that is the maximum number of patients per nurse, No big deal for me. The thing is, two of them are total care patients, both orthopedic cases. As usual, I just agreed after she told me my allocation. She also promised me that I will not be given any admission anymore since I have heavy cases, and even told me that If I'm having difficulty with my patients, I just inform her and she will deload one patient from me. After the allocation, I visited my patients,  took vital signs, and gave the due medications. In between those tasks, I will answer their call bells to give them this and that. In short, I was really busy, plus I have a patient for cataract extraction. She had this eye drops every ten minutes as preparation for her surgery.  So I was coming in and out from one room to another, performing my duties.

While I was busy with my tasks, their Head Nurse called me, and said, "22A (one of my total care ortho patients )is for discharge. The son is here, prepare everything. If the patient is ready, just tell me so that I can call for the EMT and ambulance."  Since I never had the chance to browse her files, I still checked everything then prepared her home medications and arranged for appointment to two clinics as out-patient follow up. During that time, my cataract extraction patient arrived from the recovery room, so I left first the plastic bag with home medications and appointment slips at the nurses' station and received the endorsement from the recovery room nurse who wheeled my patient back to her room.  After receiving the endorsement , settling my patient to her bed and attaching the dynamap to set her vital signs checking every fifteen minutes, I returned to the station and waited for the son to come since the HN told me that the son is present already.  I looked around the station and the ward's vicinity to find the son, but I've only seen one man, the one who accompanies one newly-admitted patient. That's the time I said to myself that instead of being idle while waiting, I will eat a scoop of my lunch first since my stomach is already grumbling from hunger. I am supposed to tell the HN that I am just waiting for the son to come but she is busy talking to somebody, explaining something, so I just told the charge nurse to "please tell her that everything is ready, I'm just waiting for the son to come. These are the home meds and appointment slips. I will just be inside the pantry and eat my lunch. If the son comes, just call me."

Before I went to the pantry, I checked first my post-op patient, and as I returned to the station to go to the pantry, I heard the head nurse say "She's expecting me to do everything for her patient? I'm not the primary nurse", obviously referring to me. Apparently, the charge nurse relayed the wrong message. She told her that I am giving the plastic bag to her (HN). My initial reaction is just to stare at her. Then I told her my real message, and she told me to tell the patient's watcher to call the son. Of course it didn't came into my mind anymore since she told me that the son is in the hospital already. I went back to 22A and told the watcher to call the son. While I was there, 22C, my day 1 post Antero-Posterior repair, whom I removed the vaginal packing previously told me that she's experiencing per vaginal bleeding and she's afraid about it. While I was checking her napkin, tears came out rolling from my eyes. I tried my best not to show it to her. I went out of the bathroom, and dabbed a tissue at my eyes, then I went back to her again and reassured her that it is just normal, while I forced a reassuring smile at her. She might have noticed that I cried and asked me what's the problem. When I answered "none", another flood of tears came out. She even offered me her tissue paper while I'm assisting her to bed.

I went back to the station with bowed head so that they will not see me crying and continued with my tasks without eating my lunch. I came back to 22A to remove her IV fluids and her cannula and I saw the HN changing the arm sling of my patient. While I was removing the cannula, I sobbed while controlling my tears. She might have heard me sniff so she asked me, " Why are you crying?". I said "nothing". Then she told me in front of the patient, "my instructions are clear. I told you to prepare everything and tell me if it's ready so that I can call for the EMT." I just answered her that the charge nurse relayed the wrong message. Then I left her and went to the bathroom again to wipe my tears.

I managed to control my tears after that. But somebody noticed my eyes. And everyone kept asking after that. You know the feeling when you're hurting and all seem very concerned, and your tears won't stop flowing?

Maybe the only thing that I want to point here is she should have not said "she's doing everything for her patient" because I am the one who is at the patient's bedside. I am the one who changed the soiled diaper, I am the one who had difficulty changing the bed linens while the patient is on the bed, I am the one who smelled the urine-soaked diapers and linens, I am the one whom the patient got mad at because I didn't changed her diapers immediately as I was busy, I am the one who strained my back from rolling the patient to sides, I am the one who gave the medicines, the one who checked the vital signs, the one who's doing the nursing assessment and documenting it. And her? She just arranged for the ambulance and EMT and changed the arm sling, and she's doing everything for my patient?

Okay, I might be being childish here, but heck. I was really hurt when after all the things I have done to my patients, she's claiming she did it all. And what's worst,  she did it in front of my colleagues, where everybody heard. I rarely get into shameful situations, and this one didn't only shamed me, it hurt my ego as well.

Still crying.