Dear baby boy,
I know that you don't know me. I don't know you either. I haven't seen you nor touched you. I only knew about you when my aunt (your aunt grandmother) told me about your mom's pregnancy with you. That was four months ago. I was excited of course. You will be my first nephew. Did you know that I've been long longing for a nephew or a niece? Since my elementary years, I am jealous with my classmates whenever they were talking about their little "pamangkins", how they call them titio and tita, and how they would ask attention from them. But I know it would be impossible if it would be from my brothers and sisters because I am the eldest. And my only hope was your mom. She's my first cousin. We were born eleven months apart, her being the older one. Me and your mom is close. She lived with us during our grades 5 and 6 and we graduated in elementary together.
Before, after your father asked for your mom's hands to your grandma and to your great grandparents, she asked me that I will be the maid of honor on their wedding, and I will be the one who will be in charge of the souvenirs and wedding invitations. I agreed of course. I was even excited, not because I will be wearing gown and heels, but because I know, soon after that, I will have my nephew or niece.
That didn't happened. I was not able to wait for your parent's marriage. I went out of the country to support the schooling of your other aunties and uncles, and you were developed even without their marriage. I admit that at first, I am having difficulty accepting you because your parents aren't married yet. Who wants a child to be born out of wedlock? But I learned to accept you because you're there already. We cannot undo your presence in your mom's womb. The only thing that your aunt grandma wished for during that time is that your parents be married. Yes, the marriage happened two months before you were born. That was a simple civil wedding. No, I was not there. I haven't witnessed your parents exchange their vows, but I have seen their pictures. I have seen how big you've become inside your mom's tummy. You should have seen her carrying you inside her. She seemed like she swallowed a whole basketball.
Now, you were born. I haven't seen your birth either. I was not there of course. I have learned about your birth from the same aunt who told me about your mom's pregnancy. She texted me while I was sleeping, and the moment I have read her text message, I felt my head became bigger, and my heart started to flutter, and I only managed to say, "what?!?" She said you were born already, and that they brought you home. Not only that, she told me your brain is outside your head. I cannot understand her message at first. I read and reread her message, not only thrice. I don't know how many. I thought my eyes is only failing me because I just came from sleep. But even after reading her message repeatedly, I realized that I've seen the correct words. I replied to her asking what she means, and she just confirmed me my thoughts. You have encephalocele. A congenital disorder with the parts of your brain protruding from your head. I know right at the moment that you will not survive. And I was saddened by that.
I maintained contact with your aunts and aunt grandma, asking about how you are doing and how your mom handles the situation. The next time I know, you were brought back to another hospital. I know that bringing you to any health care facility would only prolong your life to hours if not days. And I am right. After a few hours, I have learned that you left us already.
You only lived for not more than 48 hours. You haven't seen the world, less your mom and dad. You haven't seen how beautiful it is outside your mom's tummy. You haven't seen your cousins aunts and uncles, your grandparents and your great grandparents. You haven't seen the flowers and the rainbows, the green trees and the flowing waters. And maybe you didn't even had the chance to hear your parents say I love you to you. You didn't heard the beep of a car, the rustling of the leaves, your mom didn't had the chance to cuddle you, and your dad have not carried you in his arms longer.
Please don't blame your mom. Don't blame your dad either. You were developed from their love with each other, and never did they thought you will be like that. Nobody is to be blamed here. Don't be like your aunts and uncles on your father's side. They are blaming your mom why you've become like that. Your condition is due to folic acid deficiency, which you have developed while you're on your twenty fifth to twenty sixth day on your mom's womb. She might not even know about your presence in her womb that time. Yes, your condition might not have happened if your mom is well-nourished, but you know our condition, right? How hardly we are working in order for us to fill our stomachs. We're not rich to afford that check ups, and to maintain being healthy. If you will see the condition of life in your mom's place, you will understand what I mean.
They are blaming your mom because according to them, she could have had an ultrasound while she's still pregnant. But what would an ultrasound do with your condition? They would only learn about it earlier. Nothing could change it, even if she had hundreds and thousands of ultrasounds in the world. Learning about it earlier can have only two things, they will be accepting your condition earlier and accept it, or your mom and dad, or your extended family can develop depression earlier. Now, if your mom developed depression while you're still inside her, chances of having her bleed is great, which may harm her life as well. Do you like that also? Please make them understand that.
You may have not lived longer, but please know that we love you. You have a special place in our hearts. You will always be my first pamangkin that I never had. I know you're better off up there than here on earth. In heaven, you'll be happy. You'll
play with the angels even if you haven't had the chance to play with
your cousins. Do not worry, we will always be here for your mom. She's
strong. She can move on. And your dad's with her too.
We love you. Remember that.
Love,
Your aunt
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